


Gin and Kerosene (Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner)

by flowerboytrio



Category: GOT7
Genre: 80's movie references galore, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Eventual Fluff, Humor, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Party, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Anxiety, also 2young as brothers because why not?, pansexual youngjae ftw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-15 13:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9237917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerboytrio/pseuds/flowerboytrio
Summary: "And then it hit him. Not like a truck, not quite that fast, but like a typhoon; steadily encroaching and leaving nothing but disaster in its wake. It was with a slow, sinking feeling that Youngjae realized two things: 'Fuck, I'm not straight' and 'Fuck, I like Jaebum'."Youngjae has kind of always been in love with his older brother's best friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic on this account, how exciting! (also I'm sorry I'm really bad at summaries)
> 
> i really wanted more 2jae fics so i decided to take matters into my own hands. for reference, Youngjae is the youngest, triple J are all sophomores, and Mark is a junior. 
> 
> also yep the title is from the Fall Out Boy song "Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner" to keep up with the 80's-ish theme?? ;-;
> 
> hope you enjoy!

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jinyoung asks for what seems like the millionth time that night. Youngjae knows his brother is just being nice, making sure he isn’t feeling pressured into doing anything he doesn't want to do, but his nerves are shot and his stomach feels like a tightly wound coil. The constant questioning only puts him further on edge.

The two of them currently stand outside a shoddy looking duplex located a couple of blocks from the university campus. According to Jinyoung, the place belongs to some friends of his, but that doesn’t do much to quell Youngjae’s unease. The porch light flickers ominously, the bulb barely having the energy to illuminate the pale yellow door. Loud music seeps from underneath the crack of it, the thump of the bass disrupting the quiet night air. The rhythm sort of mimics the sound of Youngjae's beating heart.

Inside awaits his first college party, and that prospect alone is both exciting and scary. The little he knows about parties are based off the handful of 80’s American movies his friend Minwook forced him to watch (because they were his favorites and Youngjae was the only one who would even pretend to listen to him drone on and on about the impact of Youth Culture on the movie industry).

Never in Youngjae’s 19 years of life did he think he would actually attend one. Especially not with his brother of all people.

But to his surprise, the day after Youngjae moved into the freshman dorms Jinyoung invited him along, insisting he wanted to introduce the rest of his friends to his ‘adorable little brother’. And though Youngjae was going to reluctantly agree to go anyway (because his brother rarely asks him of anything and he couldn’t find it in his heart to say no), Jinyoung said the five magic words that sealed his fate:

"Jaebum will be there, too."

Jinyoung didn’t realize the power that name held over him. Heck, Youngjae didn’t realize it himself until he nearly dropped his precious Nintendo 3DS in response.

But this is Jaebum we’re talking about. Im Jaebum. Super-hot, sexy, and charmingly adorkable Im Jaebum, his older brother's best friend and the harbinger of Youngjae's confused sexuality circa. the age of 16.

You see, Youngjae has always had a weakness for attractive people. It’s a classic case of desiring something you don’t have. Youngjae finds his own looks to be average, at best; the kind of face that mothers and aunties would find charming, a pitiful kind of cute, but not exceptionally attractive. And it's not like he's some sort of master at flirting and social competence to make up for his looks. He can’t get his dog Coco to pay attention to him for more than five minutes, much less an actual human being.

Now Jinyoung, on the other hand, is suave and sophisticated, not to mention really good-looking; he’s the kind of handsome that reminds girls of their first love, an unattainable, nostalgic beauty. Blessed with mom's pretty eyes and full lips and dad's charming eye wrinkles, he’s refined and regal, yet his eyes and actions contain a simultaneous softness that radiates kindness and modesty.

Though bitterness and envy tends to creep up in the back of his mind occasionally, Youngjae has always admired and cared too much about his brother to be horribly jealous of him. As a kid he never really thought much about his own looks, simply because he didn’t have to. The love of his family and friends was all he needed in terms of validation.

But when middle school started, a new flurry of emotions and experiences gave birth to new insecurities. It was there where Youngjae met his first crush: a quiet, lovely girl by the name of Bae Suji.

When Youngjae first saw her, he was convinced she was Aphrodite incarnate; a small face, radiant skin, a kind smile... She was beautiful, and he was convinced that a guy like him would be blinded if he even so much as looked in her direction. That didn't mean he couldn't daydream, though. Youngjae would catch himself (in math class, usually) fantasizing about taking Suji on afterschool ice cream dates, or shyly holding her hand as they strolled through the park.

But fumbling confessions practiced in the bathroom mirror never came to light, not when Suji started dating that Minho kid. Any idyllic hope that some way, somehow, she would accept him was crushed by the simple fact that Minho and Suji were perfect together. There were times when Youngjae tried to picture himself in Minho's shoes, yet conjuring up the mental image became harder than it used to be. He and Minho were both 13, but while Youngjae was an awkward mess of baby fat, pimples, and a stupid-looking buzzcut his mom made him get, Minho was already a living, breathing Prince Charming. Youngjae wasn't attractive enough or outgoing enough for girls like Bae Suji. Nor was he handsome or dignified, like Jinyoung. The comparisons were futile. 

Jaebum entered Youngjae’s life around the same time Suji did.  He was unlike anyone he ever admired before; hard, jagged, and enigmatic. He was surprised the poised and classy Jinyoung befriended someone so cool. Yet putting aside Jaebum’s piercings, leather jackets, and overall intimidating appearance, he wasn't as mysterious or edgy as everyone made him out to be. In fact, when you got to know him, Jaebum was kind of a total nerd; a dork who likes both anime and classic literature; a dweeb who would teach Youngjae dirty jokes when Jinyoung wasn't paying attention; a goober who liked to cuddle when watching movies and do dumb b-boy tricks in the middle of the living room.

Youngjae liked that about him. He still does. He likes how Jaebum can be clever and charismatic but also silly and reserved. He’s so clearly comfortable in his own skin it’s enviable. And, honestly, that's what Youngjae chalked his feelings towards Jaebum up to at first; the "older brother's cool best friend" archetype that embodied everything Youngjae wished he could be. 

But a couple of years passed and things gradually started to change. Little things at first, like his face growing hot whenever Jaebum whispered a lame joke in his ear, or his stomach doing backflips upon seeing the elder's beaver-like smile. Then eventually, bigger things; like when he started to wonder what Jaebum's rough hands would feel like on his body, and when that train of thought led to wet dreams and quiet keening into his fist late at night.

He used a slew of excuses to dismiss it; teenage hormones, his fragile relationship with masculinity or some other Freudian-level analysis about healthy sexual development. He even had a theory that a bad roll of _kimbap_ he ate for lunch one day could explain away the feeling in his stomach and the weird dreams.

But one night, he woke up in a cold sweat after having a dream about Jaebum. In it, the two of them were sitting on Jaebum’s couch, watching _Dirty Dancing_ (another movie Minwook showed him earlier that day), holding hands and kissing softly to the tune of “I’ve Had the Time of My Life”. They would gaze at each other, tenderness and longing in both of their gazes. Despite all the compromising sex dreams he’s had about the elder before, this one was the most intimate.

And then it hit him. Not like a truck, not quite that fast, but like a typhoon; steadily encroaching and leaving nothing but disaster in its wake. It was with a slow, sinking feeling that Youngjae realized two things: 'Fuck, I'm not straight' and 'Fuck, I like Jaebum'.

Of course, Youngjae panicked. He already had a sneaking suspicion about his sexuality, but it was never something he really grappled with head on. The closest he got to addressing it was when Jinyoung came out to him a couple of years prior, but he quickly pushed it to the back of his mind. But finding out he has feelings for someone he considered to be a friend and older brother figure was even harder to digest.

Needless to say, it was difficult being around Jaebum the first few months after discovering his feelings toward him. Whenever Jinyoung invited him over, Youngjae would skulk into his room or leave to hang out with his own friends. His brother would give him strange looks and questioning gazes, but thankfully he never interrogated Youngjae about his not-so-subtle attempts to avoid Jaebum. Jaebum never seemed to notice either.

Things got a bit easier once he began channeling his feelings into his hobbies. Throwing himself into voice lessons, piano practice, and composition made him happy and also very busy. Jinyoung and Jaebum’s schedules at the end of secondary school became more demanding as well. With classes and college entrance exams and auditions in their wake, Youngjae saw less and less of Jaebum.

And that's how it's been ever since. The last time he really spoke to Jaebum face to face was almost a year ago, when he helped Jinyoung move into their freshman dorm. While his brother came home during breaks, Jaebum usually stayed behind to work in Seoul and earn money for dance and vocal lessons to be paid in addition to his tuition. Aside from the occasional text and 'Jaebum says hi' from his brother, Youngjae hasn't really heard from him. And with that, his feelings for Jaebum have been at a stasis ever since; not really getting stronger, but still lingering in the back of his mind and heart.

"Earth to Youngjae?" Jinyoung calls, waving a hand in front of the younger's face. He’s visibly worried this time, "I can take you back to your dorm if you aren't comfortable, Youngjae-ah... You seem out of it."

Youngjae shakes his head, "No it's okay, I'm just a little tired from moving yesterday, that's all...” He gives Jinyoung a convincing grin and pumps his fist in an attempt to seem more energetic. The last thing he wants is his brother worrying about him. “Let's go inside!"

Jinyoung looks skeptical, but when Youngjae’s smile doesn’t waver, he gives in with a sigh. "Alright... But if you want to leave at any point, just say the word and we'll go." He says cautiously then opens the door and ushers Youngjae inside.

The stench of alcohol and cigarettes permeates the living room. Jinyoung immediately wrinkles his nose at the smell, but Youngjae is too busy taking in the sights and sounds to really care.

Jinyoung told him the party started around half an hour ago, so the duplex is already packed with people dancing, drinking, and talking. The living room furniture is pushed back against the walls to open up the dance floor and some English EMD song that Youngjae doesn’t recognize plays through the speakers. Christmas lights are strewn across the ceiling and walls, illuminating the room in dim purple and white hues, giving the whole place a dreamy vibe.

In the far corner a few boys are gathered around a table playing some kind of drinking game, though Youngjae isn't exactly sure what it is. Next to that is a keg and on next table over is a cooler filled to the brim with bright pink punch. The party is a lot less lavish and crazy than what he's seen in movies, but the atmosphere seemed about the same; hazy, humid, hedonic. It makes him feel out of place.

“I feel like I’m in a John Hughes movie…”  Youngjae mutters.

Jinyoung snorts, “Does that make you Molly Ringwald?”

“Who’s Molly Ringwald?” Youngjae asks and Jinyoung looks at him in disbelief before shoving his shoulder.

“How can you make a John Hughes reference and not know who Molly Ringwald is? The girl in  _Sixteen Candles_? _Pretty in Pink_? _The Breakfast Club_?”

Youngjae pouts and shoves Jinyoung back, “Well, sorry that I don’t pay attention to the actors! Plus, I didn’t think you’d get the reference anyway…”

Jinyoung pinches Youngjae’s cheek, “Minwook isn’t the only one who knows about American films. And you should really start paying attention to actors. You may see me in a movie someday and I wouldn’t want you to not recognize me.” He jokingly chides, but Youngjae sees it; that glimmer of hope in his eyes that the word ‘someday’ brings.

Just as Youngjae opens his mouth to retort, he hears someone shout over the music.

"Hey, _Jinyoungie_ , glad you could make it!" He looks up to see a tall, skinny guy making his way over to them.

He's good looking, incredibly so with his long face and boyish smile. His blonde hair makes his doe brown eyes pop, even in the dim lighting of the house. Youngjae would mistake him for a model if he saw him on the city street, even with the dingy plaid shirt that lazily clings to his frame.

The guy subtly gives Jinyoung the once-over (Youngjae wishes he hadn’t noticed), eyes scanning over the other's skinny jean-clad legs and fitting black shirt before turning his attention to Youngjae and smiling.

"So, this must be the cute little brother you've been talking about."

Youngjae awkwardly coughs to cover his embarrassment while Jinyoung chuckles, "Of course. Youngjae, meet Mark Tuan. He’s one of the hosts of this party.”

"Nice to meet you, Youngjae. Jinyoung won't shut up about you." Mark grins then laughs as Jinyoung gives him the stink-eye.

Youngjae’s heard a lot about Mark from Jinyoung as well. He’s one of a few people Jinyoung talked about when Youngjae asked him about his college friends. Mark sounded so cool from Jinyoung’s description of him. Apparently he’s American, can skateboard, and can do something called ‘martial arts tricking’. Youngjae didn’t know what it was at the time, but after watching a couple hours’ worth of YouTube videos he was convinced Mark was the coolest person alive.

"Nice to meet you too, Mark. I hope Jinyoung hasn’t said anything too weird about me," Youngjae chuckles. Jinyoung puts an arm around the younger’s shoulders.

“Have a little faith in me, Youngjae.” He smiles, eyes crinkling up in a way that reminds Youngjae of the Cheshire cat, “Besides, I’d rather save the embarrassing stories for when you’re around to react to them.”

“You’re evil.” Youngjae hisses. Mark giggles, and contrary to his image, the sound of it is high pitched and cute. It makes Youngjae grin.

“Is Jackson here?” Jinyoung asks, eyes scanning the room.

“I sent him out to buy more cups, but he should be back soon,” Mark replies, “Anyways, let me get you guys something to drink. Youngjae, maybe you can tell me some embarrassing stories about _Jinyoungie_ , yeah?" Mark smirks in Jinyoung’s direction before gesturing for the two of them to follow him over to the drink area. Youngjae starts laughing at Jinyoung’s pouty expression.

When they arrive, both opt for the punch, (Jinyoung insisting that keg beer tastes bad and Youngjae trusting his judgment). His brother and Mark introduce him to more people after that; Mina, Nichkhun, Hoseok, and Nayeon were a few of the names he remembered in the flurry of people Jinyoung talked to. In middle of being introduced to a senior named Seokjin, someone walks up behind Jinyoung and hugs him.

“Guess who?” The man giggles, squeezing Jinyoung slightly before moving to stand in front of them. Getting a better look at the guy, Youngjae can see that he’s bleach blonde with an Adonis-like body  accentuated by a tight black tank top, coupled nicely with an attractive face and chiseled jaw (and Youngjae briefly wonders if everyone Jinyoung knows is hot because, fuck, it sure seems that way).

“Jackson,” Jinyoung smiles, and reaches over to pat the other man’s shoulder, “I was wondering when you’d get here.”

“I went as quickly as I could. As the life of the party, I knew I couldn’t take my time, so I nearly sprinted to the store.” Jackson says, expression serious, but Jinyoung merely snorts. Mark doesn’t even respond, simply taking the stack of plastic cups from Jackson and leaving to put them on the table.

“So, who’s our new friend here?” Jackson asks, looking over at Youngjae.  

"Jackson, this is Youngjae. Youngjae, meet Jackson Wang. He can be fun, when he isn't being incredibly over the top." Jinyoung teases and Jackson sticks his tongue out at him before shaking Youngjae's hand.

Jackson is another friend that Jinyoung talks about a lot. He’s from Hong Kong (Youngjae wonders what drew both him and Mark to Korea) and a fencer (as evidenced by his killer physique). Jinyoung also compared Jackson to a golden retriever; playful and always excited.  

"Nice to meet you, Youngjae! So you’re little brother, eh? Ah, you really are cute!" Jackson coos and Youngjae groans.

"Jinyoung... Do you tell that to all your friends?"

Jackson giggles, "Not just his friends, but to everyone he meets, really." He responds, ignoring Jinyoung's outraged expression.

“I do not, don’t exaggerate.”

“Oh, but you do,” Jackson leans toward Youngjae, talking lowly but still loud enough for Jinyoung to hear “Under the ‘hobbies’ section on his online dating profile, ‘hyping my little brother’ would definitely be first on the list.” Youngjae bursts out laughing and Jinyoung's ears turn red as he slaps Jackson's chest.

"I don’t have a dating profile, stop telling lies!" Jinyoung exclaims, then mutters, “And if you aren’t careful, you’ll be the one creating an online dating profile.” Youngjae raises an eyebrow at the comment. Jinyoung never mentioned he and Jackson were dating. And judging by the way Mark blatantly checked out his brother, does that mean he likes Jinyoung too? And Jackson and Mark live together, right? Love triangles seem so stressful, and he’s glad he doesn’t have to deal with them. One perk of being average and awkward, he guesses.

Jackson waves Jinyoung off dismissively. "Yeah, sure, whatever you say, baby,” He winks, putting a hand on Mark’s shoulder when the elder returns.

“Hey, where's Jaebum?" Jackson asks and Youngjae stiffens. Hearing his name makes the butterflies swirl in his stomach.

He tries to drown them by discreetly downing more of his drink.

"Is he still at work? Maybe you should call him." Mark suggests and Jackson nods, pulling out his phone and calling Jaebum's number.

"Jaebum, get your ass over here! If you don't get here in the next half an hour, I'm topping tonight!" Jackson giggles into the receiver and quickly hangs up the phone.

Youngjae's eyes widen at the comment, his face blanching and the icy feeling of dread and jealousy spreading throughout his chest. Mark merely stares at Jackson blankly and Jinyoung sighs exasperatedly.

"I don't know how he deals with you." Jinyoung mutters before taking a gulp of punch.

"Come on, he knows I'm kidding," Jackson whines, looking at Youngjae for some reason as he offers clarification, "Jaebum and I joke like this all the time. Besides..." He continues, wrapping an arm around Jinyoung's shoulders while making eye contact with Mark, "I already have a place to sleep tonight." He says suggestively, waggling his eyebrows.

Mark snorts derisively and mutters, "Yeah, on the couch, if you're lucky."

Jinyoung covers his mouth as he laughs at Jackson's offended expression.

"Screw you guys! Fine, then, I'll just go home with my new friend Youngjae." Jackson says, slinging his arm around the younger and surprising him. He looks at Youngjae and grins, "You'll be nice to me, won't you 'Jae?"

"Don't you dare touch my brother," Jinyoung says, brows furrowed and mouth hanging open in outrage. He tugs at Youngjae's sleeve to pull him from the other's grasp then cradles him securely against his chest, "God only knows the kinds of things you would teach him if you two were left alone behind closed doors."

By this point Youngjae is downright confused and the slightest bit tipsy. He still has his wits about him though, enough to know that he's suffocating in Jinyoung's chest and that his brother is being kind of... embarrassing.

Youngjae lightly pushes himself out of Jinyoung's hold. "Jinyoung," he pouts, "Stop treating me like a baby! We're at a party for goodness sake!" Youngjae huffs out.

"Besides, I'm not as innocent as you think I am..." He mumbles. Just because he was inexperienced when it came to certain things doesn't mean he doesn't know about them. The internet is a wonderfully scary place that Youngjae spends entirely too much time exploring.

Jinyoung's eyes widen dramatically at his younger brother's (extremely) mild outburst, mouth gaping like a fish out of water. Both Mark and Jackson start doubling over with laughter.

"Seriously, Jinyoung," Jackson manages to gasp out between fits of laughter, "Take care of that brother complex of yours, man."

"I need another drink." Jinyoung grumbles bitterly, causing the other three to laugh. Youngjae wraps his arms around Jinyoung's waist, pulling him into a hug while giving him his best eye smile, one that kind of makes him look like a baby otter clinging to his mom.

"You know I love you!" Youngjae says in a sing-songy voice.  Jinyoung tries his best to ignore the younger's attempts to win him over with his cuteness by comically trying to shake him off. Of course, Youngjae only holds onto him tighter, laughing along with Mark and Jackson.

"I’ll get you another drink, Jinyoung. Youngjae, do you want another?" Mark asks after a while, noticing Youngjae's almost empty cup. The younger opens his mouth to say 'yes' but Jinyoung tuts and shakes his head.

"It's probably not a good idea, Youngjae-ah... You're not used to drinking so much in one night." His brother reprimands and Youngjae wrinkles his nose at him.

Mark chuckles and takes Youngjae's cup, winking at Jinyoung as he goes to refill it, "It's just one night. Live a little."

Youngjae laughs at Jinyoung's torment and looks to Jackson to join him, but he notices the blonde man looking across the room at the opening front door.

"About damn time!" Jackson yells, making his way across the room.

Youngjae felt like a cheesy rom-com cliché because he swears, in that moment, time slowed down.

As expected, Im Jaebum hasn't changed much in the past year.  He is still as gorgeous as ever, with his jet black hair swept up and his signature leather jacket draped across his broad shoulders. The only change Youngjae can notice from a distance are the new piercings adorning his ears, more than there were the last time he saw him. His eyes were still the same; sharp, seductive. The smile he gives Jackson as they walk over is all teeth, as beaver-like as it always has been.

Youngjae's throat goes dry and he's thankful when Mark comes back with his red cup filled nearly to the brim with pink punch. He takes several large gulps.

"Woah, slow down." Mark quietly urges. Youngjae thinks he hears Jinyoung mutter something along the lines of 'I was afraid this would happen' but Youngjae isn't quite sure what he means.

"Look who finally decided to show up." Jackson announces, patting Jaebum on the back when they arrive.

"Sorry I'm late," Jaebum apologizes, his deep voice filtering through Youngjae's alcoholic daze. It made him nervous but it was also warm and familiar, "They needed someone to close up at work and I- Youngjae?"

The younger tenses when he hears Jaebum say his name. He didn't even realize he was hanging behind Jinyoung and Mark until he saw Jaebum peering around the two of them to try and get a better look at him.

Jinyoung slings an arm around his shoulders and brings him forward, "I told you he would be coming, didn’t I?"

Youngjae swallows his nervousness and smiles widely, "Long time, no see, _Jaebummie_."

Youngjae swears he sees the older man rake his eyes across his body, up and down. He brushes it off as wishful thinking. Jackson, Mark, and Jinyoung all exchange looks.

"You've grown up so much and in the past year," Jaebum smiles softly and reaches forward to pinch Youngjae's cheek, "You've gotten so manly... Certainly not a baby anymore."

"He's still my baby." Jinyoung interjects and everyone laughs, spare Youngjae, who whines in protest. Subtly, he reaches up and touches the cheek that Jaebum pinched. He doesn't feel like he's grown up much. Sure, he's grown his hair out from its close-cropped style and he has lost some weight.  Or maybe Jaebum has the image of chubby, awkward child Youngjae pinned as the default in his mind's eye. Youngjae hopes that's not the case.

"Well, now that Jaebum's here, I propose we take a shot." Jackson suggests, looking to Mark for approval.

"Okay, but we have to be discreet. I only have one bottle of whiskey and I'm not sharing it with anyone else," Mark says, gesturing to the rest of the partygoers. He jerks his head in the direction of the kitchen and starts walking, the others trailing behind him. Mark opens up a cabinet and takes down five shot glasses before grabbing the bottle of _Jack Daniels_ from the cupboard underneath the sink.

After pouring the shots, Jackson's raises his glass. "To the first party of the school year! And to Youngjae's first college party ever." He exclaims then winks at the youngest. The five of them toast and down their shot, Youngjae coughing a little at the burning sensation sliding down his throat.

"You okay?" Jaebum asks, patting Youngjae on the back. The younger simply nods, his cheeks flushing from the alcohol and the contact. Everything is starting to feel foggy.

"Alright! We've talked long enough, don't you guys think? It's time to actually party! Let's dance!" Jackson exclaims, the whiskey apparently rekindling his inner party animal. His grabs both Mark and Jinyoung by the hand and drags them out of the room to the dance floor.

“He’s insane…” Jaebum mutters, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets.

Youngjae laughs loudly, the alcohol giving him a pleasant buzz and looser lips.

“I think he’s funny. He and Mark have been really nice…” He furrows his brows, and looks up at Jaebum, “But do you know what’s going on between them and _Jinyoungie_?”

Jaebum barks out a laugh and pats Youngjae’s shoulder, “Sorry, but you should ask him that question yourself. Not even I know the whole story.”

Youngjae wrinkles his nose, “I’m not sure if I want to know _that_ badly, to be honest…”

Jaebum chuckles softly and Youngjae's heart swells. There are moments when his desire for the older man causes him to see things skewed through rose-colored lenses. Sometimes he thinks the way Jaebum looks at him is strange, a hint of softness, adoration, and… longing?

Youngjae stops himself there. Maybe being alone with Jaebum isn’t such a good idea after all. Wishful thinking leads to nothing but heartache, and while he would rather talk to Jaebum than embarrass himself on the dance floor, he doesn’t trust himself enough not to say his totally outrageous thoughts out loud, not while he progressively loses more and more of his inhibitions.

"Let's go dance,” the younger suggests with a grin, “I want to see how the crowd reacts to your b-boy moves." Youngjae winks, his tone teasing.

Jaebum smiles, putting his arm around Youngjae's neck and pulling him close in a mock threat.

“Don’t get too excited, brat.”

* * *

 

Youngjae discovers quickly that alcohol, in some aspects, can easily impair your ability to give a fuck. Dancing with Jaebum, Mark, Jackson, and Jinyoung turned out to be a lot more fun than he anticipated, mainly because there wasn’t any pressure to be good at it. Jackson and Jaebum made complete fools out of themselves by dancing like possessed chickens, flapping their arms to “Bang Bang Bang” and scaring away a couple of freshman girls in the process.

After a while Youngjae asks Mark where the bathroom is, his bladder unable to stand up to the comedy show that is ‘Def Soul’ and ‘J-flawless’. Jinyoung and Mark offer to go with him just in case, but he firmly refuses and leaves to go upstairs, tightly clutching the railing for support.

He finds his way to the bathroom, does his business, then makes his way back towards the stairs. He stumbles a little and can hear someone ask if he's okay, but he brushes it off. As he makes his way down the stairs he feels someone grab and lightly tug at his arm.

When he turns he sees a handsome and vaguely familiar face. He thinks it's one of the people he met earlier when Jinyoung was introducing him around. Nickkun? Nichkhun? It was hard to recall.

"Hey, Youngjae, right?" The older man asks, smiling. For some reason, Youngjae starts to feel nervous, "You okay there?"

Youngjae smiles warily, "Yeah! I've just had a little too much, is all..."

Nichkhun chuckles, "You're a freshman, right? Don't worry, you'll get used to it, if you stick around the party scene long enough," He reaches up and traces Youngjae's cheek with his thumb, "And I really hope you do."

Youngjae giggles nervously, eyes darting around. Was Nichkhun drunk or what? Never in his life has Youngjae been so blatantly hit on, especially not by someone so handsome. It was a bit overwhelming.

“Uh, thanks,” Youngjae smiles weakly, trying not to seem nervous, “maybe we can become good friends… or something.”

Nichkhun chuckles, “You’re really charming, Youngjae,” He says, hands trailing down to gently rest on the back of Youngjae’s neck. The younger’s face grows warm and he shivers slightly at the touch.

“Do you like to dance, Youngjae?” Nichkhun asks in a low whisper by his ear. Youngjae shudders, the gruffness of the man’s voice is slightly intoxicating.

He opens his mouth to answer, breath a bit shaky,  but then he hears an all too familiar voice call behind him.

"Youngjae?"

He turns around to see Jaebum, arms folded and eyeing Nichkhun contemptuously.  His jaw is jutted out and Youngjae wonders why he looks so angry.

"Hey, Jaebum. Seemed like Youngjae here was just trying to find his footing, so I decided to help him out." Nichkhun explains with a smirk. Jaebum only narrows his eyes and walks over to the two of them, wrapping an arm around Youngjae’s waist and gently coaxing him away from the other man.

"Thanks, but I'll take it from here. Youngjae and I go way back, you know?" He leans in and whispers in Youngjae's ear, but his eyes don't leave Nichkhun, "Come on, Youngjae-ah, let's go upstairs."

Youngjae's face was already hot. Now it feels like he's on fire.

Jaebum leads him to one of the upstairs bedrooms and ushers him inside. A quick glance at the photos on the dresser and Youngjae can deduce they’re in Mark’s room, but he doesn’t get to look around for long before Jaebum tugs at his wrist, urging him to sit on the bed.

Youngjae glances at him cautiously. The lighting in Mark’s room is faint, the lamp on his desk being the only source of light in the room, but Youngjae can still see Jaebum’s chin sticking out in anger.

“Why are you mad, Jaebum?” Youngjae mutters, not wasting any time beating around the bush. While he didn’t necessarily want to hook up with Nichkhun or anything, the attention was flattering. Maybe Youngjae needed it; something, _anything_ to forget about his feelings for Jaebum for a least a moment.   

“I’m not mad, I-“ Jaebum starts with a scowl, running his fingers through his hair in frustration, “…I just wish you’d take care of yourself.”

"I'm not that drunk,” Youngjae pouts, “And  besides, Nichkhun and I were talking."

Jaebum looks over at Youngjae with his eyebrows raised in disbelief.

“You _wanted_ Nichkhun to flirt with you?”

There’s a heavy pause. Youngjae hasn’t actually told anyone he isn’t straight yet. He’s pretty sure Jinyoung knows out of some brotherly instinct, but he doesn’t think his brother has mentioned it to anyone since he hasn’t even brought it up to him yet.

Youngjae swallows thickly, but looks Jaebum in the eye.

“So what if I did?”

The silence that follows is jaw-clenching. Jaebum simply stares at Youngjae, and while the younger wants to look away, he feels trapped by his gaze. Youngjae tries to decipher how the older man feels; anger is evident, but he wonders what other emotions are trapped behind those shiny black pools.

Youngjae doesn’t realize how close they are until he can feel Jaebum’s breath ghost upon his face. It seems they drifted closer at some point, but it’s funny, Youngjae can’t remember moving at all. His eyes finally leave Jaebum’s and flit across his face; the two sexy moles above his eyes down to his well sculpted nose and his strong jaw. And then finally a pink pair of lips, visibly chapped but still so alluring and perfect.

And for a moment, Jaebum’s lips touch his own. It’s brief, only lasting for a few seconds, and he isn’t quite sure who initiated it but it feels unbelievable. His hearts hammers loudly in his chest, bleeding into his ears and he feels like crying and screaming all at once. He’s confused and euphoric; content, but on edge.

Suddenly he feels a grip on his shoulder. The warm fingers that seep through his shirt aren’t encouraging and it makes Youngjae quickly pull away, eyes wide and trembling.   

“I-I’m sorry, I-“ Youngjae stammers out, but Jaebum just shakes his head and stands abruptly,

“I… I just… can’t do this right now,” He mutters, seeming slightly out of breath. He doesn’t even look at Youngjae as he quickly leaves the room and slams the door behind him.

Out of all of the firsts Youngjae hoped to experience tonight, ‘heartbreak’ was something he never anticipated to add to the list.

He lays down in Mark’s bed and curls up in his sheets, not really thinking about the fact that he's lying in the bed of a near stranger.

He’s too busy trying his hardest not to cry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngjae's biggest roadblock has always been himself.

_“Hey, are you okay?”_

_I’m fine, I’m just tired. I’m sorry._

_“You don’t need to apologize just… Just at least let me get you some water."_

_I don’t need anything, just let me go to sleep... I’m really sorry… I wanna go to sleep…_

 

_._

_._

_._

_._

 

The first thing Youngjae wakes up to is a dry throat and a throbbing headache. He rubs at his eyes and flips over onto his side, groaning when the sunlight filtering in through the thin white blinds cuts through his blurred vision. The sight makes his eyes burn and his temples drum, as if his head were being hit repeatedly with a hammer.

Youngjae groans and pulls the duvet over his head. He feels gross. Not sick or anything, but the taste in his mouth is disgusting and there’s a nasty feeling settling into the pit of his stomach. He didn’t feel _that_ smashed last night. He remembers majority of it, albeit things get fuzzy after a point and memories come to him in snapshots rather than in a coherent sequence of events. The more he thinks about the party, the more images creep up in forefront of his mind’s eye: images of pink punch; of Mark’s laugh and Jackson’s smile; of hazy lights…

He swallows down the lump beginning to form in his throat. Dread crawls from his gut and spreads across his chest when he thinks about the one thing that remains clear through his post-alcoholic fog. He never should’ve agreed to go to that stupid party.

He shouldn’t have had so much to drink.

He shouldn’t have kissed Jaebum.

 

After years of imagining what it would feel like, he’d never thought it would turn out like this. Hell, he never thought Jaebum’s kisses would cross the sacred threshold between dream and reality, would never leave the corner of his mind reserved for things he vowed to never do or say. At least when he and Jaebum would kiss in his fantasies, all of the pieces would fall into place, and everything felt _right_.  

But the reality of the situation is Youngjae kissed him, and Jaebum pushed him away. Bolted with a look in his eyes that screamed ‘this is _wrong_ ’, leaving Youngjae to feel like some kind of monster drowning in a swamp of his own regrets.

If only he could treat this problem with Jaebum like he treated every other problem in his life: avoid it like the plague. He knows he can’t, though. He knows he’s going to have to see Jaebum again at some point, now that they attend the same school, now that they’re students in the same department. But what exactly should he say when he does? How should he act? How will Jaebum act? Will Jaebum confront him about it or will he forget it ever happened? Will Youngjae be able to pretend it never happened?

Will he be able to move on?

“What do I do?” Youngjae groans, taking a deep breath to try and steady his heartbeat and end the slew of questions fogging his brain (which certainly aren’t helping his headache, that’s for sure).

_Options. Let’s consider the options_ , Youngjae thinks. Maybe he could join the entertainment industry. He may not be idol material, but becoming a trainee would allow him to disappear for a least a few years. By that time everything with Jaebum will finally blow over, right? What about something more permanent? Maybe he could change his name and move to America. He’s not _terrible_ at English, and he could probably survive on the little he knows already.

 

Youngjae sighs. He knows he’s being irrational, but everything was becoming very overwhelming. Maybe he should just go back to sleep. Sleep is the best way to avoid confronting your problems.

Youngjae curls up into a ball and shuts his eyes, hoping that the fetal position will lull him into a sense of security. He feels safe here, despite the fact that he’s in the bed of someone who’s a near-stranger to him. But Mark’s sheets are soft and smell faintly of lavender soap, and he wishes he could sleep here forever.

... 

The comfort doesn’t last for long. Just as Youngjae feels himself about to drift back to sleep he feels something – someone, rather – shift beside him in the bed and sigh. A pair of arms slide around his waist and he stiffens, eyes snapping open, suddenly feeling _very_ awake.

What. The. Fuck?

His memories may still be fuzzy, that’s for certain, but Youngjae _distinctly_ remembers being alone after Jaebum left. He remembers choking back tears, alone. He remembers trying not to get snot on Mark’s pillow, _alone_.

Youngjae carefully shifts in the bed, turning so he can see his unwelcome bed partner on the other side. With his head still under the comforter, all he can see are a pair of legs, pale and bare. His eyes travel up the person’s calves and thighs until he sees a pair of grey boxers and a torso covered with a black t-shirt. He looks down at his own body, and upon seeing that he’s still in the same blue jeans and maroon hoodie he wore the night before, he sighs in relief. Thank god both of them are clothed, at the very least.

Holding his breath, Youngjae slowly inches his way out from underneath the covers. Swallowing thickly, he slowly starts peeling back the covers. Maybe if he’s stealthy, he can slip out without the other person noticing.

However, in the midst of trying to shimmy out of the covers, the stranger only pulls him closer, Youngjae nearly screaming when he finds himself inches away from the other’s face.  He hesitates though, because once the initial panic goes down, he finds himself recognizing the more intimate details of the person in front of him.

“ _Fuck_ , Jinyoung!” Youngjae releases the breath he’s been holding and roughly pushes his sleeping brother’s shoulder. His own yelling makes his head pound and his ears ring but he’s too irritated (albeit, relieved) to really care.

“What? Why are you yelling? What’s wrong?” Jinyoung asks groggily, waking up with a start. His voice is still laced with sleep but his eyes dart across Youngjae’s face wildly in a panic.

“What do you mean, ‘ _what’s wrong’_? How was I supposed to know you weren’t some drunken pervert!?” Youngjae huffs out. His breath must smell, because Jinyoung grimaces and releases the other from his grip, turning his face away from Youngjae’s. Serves him right.

“Ah, stop yelling, will you?” Jinyoung says, his own fatigue apparent in the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. “Jaebum told me you were in here. He tried to ask if you were okay, but you insisted on going to sleep. He came downstairs and got me, but when I came up here, you were snoring like a baby.”

Youngjae swallows. If he thinks really hard (and _fuck_ does it hurt to think really hard with a hangover), he can vaguely remember someone asking him if he was okay, but he was too drunk and too emotional at the time to think about anything other than sleep. He doesn’t know whether to feel embarrassed by the fact that Jaebum saw him in that state or happy that the other still cared about him enough to come back and check on him, despite everything.

“…I see,” is all Youngjae can say before turning around with his back towards Jinyoung.

The elder raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything, deciding to wait for Youngjae to explain himself. The silence lasts for a few minutes, suffocating the two of them, questions and things left unsaid circulating the air like dust. Youngjae almost decides to go back to sleep, but Jinyoung surprises him by wrapping his arms around Youngjae’s waist and pulling him close.

“Youngjae… What’s wrong?”

“…Nothing.” Youngjae grumbles, though he isn’t convincing anyone, especially not Jinyoung.

“I was worried about you, you know,” Jinyoung continues, his thumb rubbing small circles into Youngjae’s forearm, “Did something happen?”

Youngjae feels a tinge of guilt for refusing his brother’s help. He knows that Jinyoung must have been really worried about him, must still be really worried about him. But if Youngjae were to try and explain everything, it would be really hard to keep everything anonymous. He sighs and leans back into Jinyoung’s hug, letting the warmth of the elder’s chest hit his back. It reminds him of when he was younger, when he would cry about his insecurities and Jinyoung would crawl into bed with him, no questions asked, and hug him until he stopped crying. It feels warm. It feels like home.

“…What do you do when you made a mistake and accidentally hurt someone you really care about?” Youngjae finally asks. He _knows_ Jinyoung will be able to connect the dots and find out who he’s talking about, but he hopes he won’t ask.

Jinyoung hums softly, resting his chin on top of Youngjae’s head. Youngjae can feel him relax a little now that he’s trying to talk to him, “That’s a really complicated question.”

Youngjae’s lips curl into a bitter smile and he laughs through his nose, “Tell me about it.”

Jinyoung sighs, pinching Youngjae’s arm lightly in reprimand, “Unfortunately, that happens. Sometimes we hurt those we care about, intentionally or otherwise…” He pauses for a moment, gathering his thoughts before continuing, “Say… remember that one time mom wore that green striped summer dress? And you said she looked like a watermelon?”

Youngjae holds back a snort, though he can’t help but giggle at the memory, “I was five!”

“Yeah, but you remember how angry she got. I can still remember your voice trembling as you bowed your head and said, ‘ _sorry for calling you a watermelon, mom’,_ ” Jinyoung imitates, laughing when he feels Youngjae slap his arm.

“Or that time I accidentally broke the arm off your toy Power Ranger. You wouldn’t speak to me for hours, no matter how many times I said sorry.”

“Again, I was five.” Youngjae pouts, feeling _very_ attacked right now.

“Anyways, the point is, even though you were upset, you forgave me because I was sincere. And mom forgave you because she loves you, Youngjae. I can’t guarantee things will be that easy every time, because ultimately, it’s up to the person you hurt to decide whether or not to forgive you. The best you can do is show remorse, recognize what you did wrong, and apologize,” Jinyoung gently ruffles Youngjae’s hair.

“It’s hard, putting yourself out there… But if you apologize now, things will get easier over time and you won’t have to regret never saying sorry.”

“…What is this, some coming of age drama?” Youngjae asks and Jinyoung harshly tickles his sides,

“Hey! That was solid advice, you brat!” Jinyoung yells through Youngjae’s laughter.

“Easy! Easy! Don’t attack the weak and hungover!” The younger exclaims, out of breath from Jinyoung’s ‘surprise attack’. His head aches, but he doesn’t think about it when turns around to face his brother, hugging him tightly.

“…Thank you, Jinyoung. I mean it.”

Jinyoung smiles, returning his younger brother’s hug and rubbing his back, “You know you can always talk to me, ‘Jae. I may not have all the answers, but sometimes it’s better to talk about it than worry alone,” He looks down at Youngjae, then pinches his cheek, “And I know you well enough to know how much you worry alone.”

Youngjae snorts, “I get it from you, then. You’re one of the biggest worrywarts I know.”

Jinyoung chuckles, “I’ve taught you well… By the way-”

Jinyoung’s words cut off when they hear a knock on the bedroom door. Seconds later, without waiting for an answer, Jackson pokes his head in, signature grin plastered on his face.

“Hey, 2Young bros,” He holds up a large white bottle, rattling it around, “I brought painkillers.”

“’2Young bros’?” Jinyoung asks while sitting up. Youngjae follows suit, and when Jackson enters the room fully, he can see a water bottle in one hand and another under his arm.

“Jin _young_ and _Young_ jae equals 2Young,” Jackson says matter-of-factly while he passes off the water bottles to Jinyoung and Youngjae, “Unless you think ‘Young2’ sounds better?”

“Whatever makes you happy,” Jinyoung replies, passing the bottle of painkillers over to Youngjae. Jackson sits down on the end of the bed across from the two of them, crossing his legs and smiling.

“So, how are you feeling, Youngjae?”

Youngjae looks down at his lap, smiling sheepishly, “If I’m being honest… It feels like someone is using my temples as a drum set.”

Jackson laughs, reaching over to pat Youngjae’s shoulder, “I know that feeling all too well,” He points at the pill bottle, “Take two of those, you’ll feel a lot better. Also, Mark and I were gonna grab breakfast somewhere, if you two want to come.”

Jinyoung raises an eyebrow, “Where’s Jaebum?”

Jackson shrugs, “He left a little while ago. Grumbled something about ‘work’ and grumped his way out the door. I guess he had to work early today.”

Youngjae looks down at the pill bottle in his hands, guilt rattling inside of his chest. He doesn’t know why; for all he knows, Jaebum really did have to work early today. But part of him can’t help but question why Jaebum would party the night before, knowing that he had an early shift the next morning. That same part of him can’t help but feel like Jaebum is trying to avoid him.

Youngjae silently uncaps the bottle and takes two pills before passing it off to Jinyoung, who accepts it with a quiet ‘ _thank you’_. The capsules on his tongue taste bitter and he takes several gulps of water to drown them down, to quench his thirst, and to help choke down the tears threatening to burn the back of his throat.

“So!” Jackson pipes up, clapping his hands together, “Breakfast! Yes? No?”

“It sounds tempting,” Jinyoung looks over at Youngjae, “Shall we go?”

“Um… Maybe I should go back to my room,” Youngjae croaks out, “I haven’t showered and I feel kind of gross… But I do want to apologize to Mark for stealing his bed last night. And I can wash his sheets too.”

“Ah, you’re so precious!” Jackson squeals, pinching Youngjae’s cheeks in the same way an auntie would, “Such a polite young man. Don’t worry about Markie, he can sleep comfortably anywhere. Besides, he never washes his own sheets anyway. Either me or Jinyoungie does it.”

Youngjae raises an eyebrow and looks at his brother, “Oh, so you stay here a lot then?” He asks, and Jinyoung’s cheeks turn pink.

“I don’t-“ He replies, just as Jackson cheekily exclaims, “He does!”

And of course, in that moment, Mark lazily into the room, scratching the back of his neck. His un-styled hair is hidden underneath a beanie and its obvious that he just woke up and threw on a sweatshirt and sweatpants.

“Are you guys ready? I’m starving.”

“We’re ready,” Jackson answers, hopping off the bed and meeting Mark at the door, “As long as you’re paying.”

Mark furrows his brows, “I thought it was your turn.”

And as Mark and Jackson bicker at the door about who is paying for breakfast, Youngjae turns and looks at his brother, “I have questions. A lot of them.”

Jinyoung sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

“And I’m already ready to have another drink,” He mutters.

* * *

 

It’s 12:08 in the afternoon. Youngjae sits on his bed, twirling a piece of dripping wet hair between his fingers and gnawing on his lower lip.

He caved earlier and ended up going to breakfast with Jinyoung, Mark, and Jackson. It was a welcome distraction, if anything, and he really did enjoy their company. Of course, it wasn’t like he didn’t have ulterior motives of his own – he observed the three of them interact and stored away whatever information he could piece together, saving it for when he interrogated Jinyoung.

Youngjae came back to his dorm afterwards. His roommate was already gone when he returned, so he took the opportunity to take a long yet much needed shower. It was in the middle of getting dressed that he received a text.

So, on his bed he sits in a t-shirt and boxers, staring at his phone in fear, as if it were some poisonous creature with a thousand legs. A notification for one unread message from Im Jaebum lights up his screen every two minutes, faintly buzzing then fading back to black. He counts how many times his phone lights up. At 12:09 it lights up for the fifth time. Ten minutes since the text was sent. Ten minutes into his mild panic attack.

Youngjae had been fine after Jinyoung talked to him. Well, maybe not “fine” exactly, but at least he knew he had to take the first step, to take the initiative and apologize. He honestly didn’t expect Jaebum to reach out to him first, though he should have considered it a possibility. More than anything, Youngjae is afraid of what the text might say. He's afraid that he may not get a chance to apologize, because Jaebum will push him away before he gets the chance to, just like he did last night.

He takes a deep breath, and then exhales. He has to remember, this is Jaebum we're talking about. Jinyoung’s best friend, and Youngjae’s friend, too. He was a friend before he was a crush. Youngjae knows first hand how kind and caring Jaebum is. And though it is easier said than done, he can’t let his anxiety over last night and his fear of rejection completely cloud the complete faith he has in Jaebum. He knows Jaebum will let him say his piece. He knows Jaebum will let him apologize, regardless of whether or not he forgives him. _He knows Jaebum_.  

With slightly shaky hands, he grabs his phone and swipes at the text notification. After thumbing in his passcode, he reads over the message:

 

_**11:59am** _

_Can we talk?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *titanic grandmother voice* "its been 84 years...."
> 
> aka: i just got out of school for the summer and finally decided to update this fic and also decided to make it 3 chapters instead of 2! i feel like this chapter is really out of place, but this piece did start as a more introspective project on generalized and social anxiety, so i sort of wanted to emphasize that... also more 2young brothers so yay? im rambling kgkdg
> 
> anyways thanks so so so much to everyone who left comments and kudos! Honestly, i've been going over them again, and hearing all of this really lovely feedback is what inspired me to keep this thing going, so i sincerely thank everyone from the bottom of my heart! i'll try and post chapter 3 sooner xo


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum's an idiot, Youngjae's an idiot. But Jaebum's a bigger idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: mild depiction of a panic attack -- it goes by quickly, but just in case anyone is extremely uncomfortable reading about that kind of thing, I thought I'd give a little warning beforehand.
> 
> also, this is a double update!! chapter 4 is the epilogue

According to some of the most prolific religions and philosophies, the end of the world is accompanied by images of fire and famine; Youngjae, however, is starting to wonder if there are other circumstances. Whose to say the end of the world can't happen on a spring day, when the winter chill has settled into a brusque wind and traces of flowers bloom on the once barren trees? Because to Youngjae, it feels like the vastness of the bright blue, cloudless sky is threatening to fall down on him at this very moment. But maybe he's just being overdramatic.

It's on days like these that he really misses Coco. Two squirrels start chasing each other across the freshly mowed grass and Youngjae's eyes lazily trace over their movements, his heart aching as he thinks about his little Maltese back at home. If Coco were here, Youngjae would most likely be taking her out for a walk around campus, enjoying the cool breeze and warm sunshine, laughing as she barks at every bug and critter she sees, tuning out his negative thoughts as he focuses on the little yaps she lets out whenever she gets too excited. But instead, here he sits – wearing a black hoodie and black sweats like a low budget grim reaper – waiting to get dumped by a man he never even dated in the first place. 

Bummer. 

He sighs and pushes his foot against the enclave of pavement that surrounds him. The bench swing he’s slouched upon sways ever so slightly at his movements, its metal contours digging into his back and butt uncomfortably. He’ll regret not sitting up straight later, when the dull ache lingers reminding him of his own laziness, but he still doesn’t care enough to move. Instead, he fiddles with his phone, feigning nonchalance as he checks Instagram, Twitter, and his other SNS accounts – all while keeping a constant eye on the time. It’s 12:33pm.

Jaebum texting him first had been totally unexpected but responding to him had been a lot less painful than he anticipated. Contrary to his previous anxiety-ridden deduction, he found out that Jaebum did have work Saturday morning after the party, sending Youngjae the initial ‘can we talk’ text during his lunch break. After spending about half-an-hour typing out and erasing responses, Youngjae managed to thumb out a simple “yes, of course” – but by the time he hit send, Jaebum had already gone back to work. The four hours of nail-biting and nervous fidgeting on Youngjae’s end felt endless, but after Jaebum responded, Youngjae felt… a little calmer. Only a little, though. 

The conversation that ensued was clunky, but relatively easy to respond to as it mainly consisted of matching schedules and finding an appropriate place to sit and talk. They agreed that meeting Sunday would be the best option considering Jaebum’s work schedule, and Youngjae was grateful for having Saturday to recover from his hangover and time to think of what to say (i.e: all of the possible ways this conversation could go wrong). They both agreed on meeting at 12:30; Jaebum would be out off from his part-time shift by then, and Youngjae… well, he didn’t have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon, so 12:30 was as good a time as any. 

When the question of where to meet came up, Youngjae was already prepared with an answer. Meeting in either of their dorm rooms was completely out of the question; god forbid Youngjae’s roommate walk in on their conversation. Or worse, Jaebum’s roommate – A.K.A Jinyoung. A restaurant or coffee shop also seemed like a bad idea without knowing exactly how the conversation between them will progress (he's had his fill of public humiliation to last a life time). So, Youngjae expertly brought up the bench swings behind the art building. The building itself is on the far end of campus, facing a field littered with small yellow dandelions and close to the set of all-girls dorms, but otherwise relatively isolated. Youngjae was surprised to find that no one was playing soccer on the plot of land since it was such a nice day out, but he appreciated the seclusion – it’ll be a lot easier to talk that way.

He glances at the time again. 12:34. Jaebum wouldn't ditch him, would he? 

No, that's stupid - he was the one who wanted to talk in the first place. Youngjae knows that checking the time every five seconds is only making it inch by slower, so he locks his phone and rests his head on the back of the bench and tries not to think negatively. Instead, he tries to focus on trivial things, like what he’ll have for dinner tonight or what he’s going to wear tomorrow (he’s sort of been into fashion lately, despite the laziness today’s outfit exudes). Maybe he’ll practice piano later, or who knows, maybe he’ll ask his roommate to watch an anime with him tonight. Taehyung seems to have quite the collection, judging by the fact that his bookshelf is more DVDs than actual books.

Youngjae’s mouth twists as he tries to hold back something between a grimace and a grin. Anime had always been a source of contention between Jaebum, Jinyoung, and him. During the summer, when it was too hot to do anything outside, the three of them would pile on the couch for and binge watch show or movies. They could usually agree on a drama or movie to watch, but anime was the one thing that they would always fight over. Jinyoung and Youngjae would usually argue about what to watch and Jaebum would play both sides until he would eventually agree with one of them, usually Youngjae. One time, Jinyoung jokingly accused Jaebum of playing favorites, which sent Youngjae's teenaged heart and mind racing with unanswered 'what-ifs'. 

And the more he stews on his past with Jaebum, the more it dawns on him that all of the confusion could be put to rest today -- how all of these years of pining and avoiding and stressing will be over no matter the outcome. And that feeling is so freeing. Because while he doesn't regret loving Jaebum, he does regret that the way he's reacted has potentially done more damage to their relationship than anything. And he hates that loving Jaebum has felt more like a burden than a blessing.

"Youngjae?"

He sits up all too abruptly, a familiar feeling of fear quashing any possible comfort he might find in closure that he tried to reason out with himself just moments earlier. Because hearing Jaebum call his name again like he did the night before sends chills down his spine and makes him sink back into a state of insecurity. 

Jaebum is smiling slightly, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. It only takes Youngjae a quick glance to notice how Jaebum looks tired and a bit of a mess, his skin a little too pale and the bags under his eyes a bruised shade of purple.

"Sorry I'm a little late, I had to deliver something to the store and coming back took longer than expected..." He gestures over to the space next to Youngjae, "Can I sit?"

"Uh... Yeah. Yes. Of course," Youngjae responds, the sound of his coarsely tinted voice making him visibly wince as he scoots over to the far end of the swing. Jaebum frowns and sits down on the other end, resting his hands on his knees and looking out at the field across from them.

Youngjae chews on his bottom lip, taking in a deep breath through his nose as he tries to settle his nerves and work up the courage to speak. His conscious screams at him to take Jinyoung's advice and make the first move to apologize, but he can't force himself to conjure up the words to say. Jaebum glances at him through his fringe from his periphery, Youngjae's mental dilemma written all over his face. Confused, and a bit worried, Jaebum moves to speak. 

"Youngjae, I-"

"Don't. Please, don't"

Jaebum eyes widen in disbelief at being cut off so abruptly. Youngjae himself doesn't even know how he mustered the gumption to say anything, but that's all it takes for a floodgate of words to come spilling from his mouth. He bounces his knee as he speaks, causing the swinging bench to shake.

"I'm sorry about what happened I- I'm sorry that I barely talked to you for almost a year, I'm sorry we're not close anymore, I'm sorry that I went to that party, I'm sorry that I drank too much, I'm sorry I talked to Nichkhun, and I'm sorry I... I kissed you like that, I..." Youngjae's voice wavers at the last bit, and it's only then that the tears he's been holding in since Friday have spilled over. He feels like his throat is closing up and his mind is racing too fast, so he desperately gasps for air, all while mentally cursing himself because why does this have to happen now? Why now?

"Hey," Jaebum chides worriedly, moving closer to Youngjae and resting a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, Youngjae, look at me. You need to calm down."

Youngjae doesn't want to look at Jaebum -- anything but that -- but he forces himself to anyways. How could he say no?

"Youngjae, focus on what I'm saying, okay? Take ten deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. In and out... In and out..." Jaebum instructs, his other hand rubbing small circles on Youngjae's back.

Part of Youngjae wants to crumble up and die, because even after apologizing for all of his fuck-ups, Jaebum is sitting here and comforting him while he's currently short circuiting. He does what he's told though, Jaebum's voice guiding him through his breathing.

It takes a little while, but once Youngjae's breath steadies and Jaebum stops talking, silence falls upon them, deafening, but welcome as his thoughts begin to settle. Jaebum hasn't moved away from Youngjae's side, his hand still resting tentatively on the other's back. 

"Do you need water, or anything?" Jaebum asks awkwardly after a few beats of silence.

Youngjae shakes his head, looking down at his feet in embarrassment, "No thanks."

Jaebum looks at him for a moment before leaning back on the bench and looking out at the field, "You know, the only reason I went over to Mark's place was because I knew you'd be there."

Youngjae's heart speeds up, but he still keeps his head down, "Really?"

Jaebum's eyes flit over to look at him before looking back ahead, "Yeah, really. I had work the next morning and I wasn't in the mood to be around a bunch of sweaty drunk people in a tiny house, but I went because I missed you, Jae. It felt like it'd been years since I last saw you and, yeah, I was hurt that you avoided me, but when Jinyoung told me you would be there I realized that, more than anything, I missed you." He says, his voice gruff out of embarrassment.

Youngjae sits up a little straighter but keeps his gaze on the dandelions swaying in the wind. He opens his mouth to speak but is slow on the uptake, trying to retain his resolve and make sure that his breathing and his thoughts are normal (though he cannot help the rapid beating of his heart in his chest after hearing what Jaebum had to say). 

But Jaebum beats him to the punch, sitting up as well and speaking firmly.

"Before you say anything, you need to know that whatever happened that night wasn't your fault. At all," Jaebum says, putting extra emphasis on the latter bit, "I had no reason to get mad at you for wanting to talk or be with Nichkhun. I mean, fuck him for trying to take advantage of you while you were tipsy, but fuck me for getting mad. I was being a jerk, a selfish jerk because..." 

Jaebum trails off and stops talking. Youngjae finally really looks at him for the first time that day, curious as to why Jaebum stopped talking all of the sudden. He's surprised to see Jaebum's expression tense with embarrassment -- like he'd rather die than finish what he has to say.

"Because, what?" Youngjae prods, wanting, needing to know what Jaebum has to say to him because he knows its important. Jaebum turns his face away, the tips of his ears red in a way that Youngjae would find absolutely adorable if he weren't so damn eager for Jaebum to just spill it.

"Because... I thought you liked me." Jaebum mumbles, barely inaudible if Youngjae weren't so intensely focused on Jaebum's every word.

In that moment, Youngjae swears he can feel his heart drop into his stomach. His eyes grow wide and his mouth hangs open slightly as he merely stares at the side of Jaebum's head like it had some kind of alien growing out of it.

"What?" Youngjae croaks out in utter disbelief. Jaebum knew he liked him? He knew?

Jaebum groans, still refusing to look at Youngjae, "Give me a minute, I..." He huffs, running a hand through his hair in frustration as he struggles to find the words to say. 

Jaebum swallows, "...As a kid, I was full of myself -- maybe I still am, I don't know, but that's beside the point. I was arrogant and cocky and a bit of a troublemaker, and while my parents were always exasperated with me, I didn't care because my friends thought I was cool and girls liked me, and that's all that mattered at the time. Jinyoung was the only person I felt I could be myself around because he saw through all of that, which is why we became so close. And then I got to know you too, Youngjae, and all I wanted to do was be a good role model for you. You know how my older brother was never kind to me when we were younger. Though we're close now, at the time we argued and fought a lot, and because I don't have a younger brother of my own, I wanted to dote on you in the way that my brother never doted on me.

"And then we became close." He breathes through his nose, almost as if he's amused, "Jinyoung teased me about it a lot, but I brushed him off because he spoiled you just as much as I did so I didn't think much of it. But as time passed, I started to notice how conscious you became around me -- how you would avoid eye contact if you got too close, or how embarrassed you would get at how little space there would be between us when we watched TV. I thought I felt the mood shift between us. 

"I spent time going back and forth between what I thought you felt that I hardly paid attention to my own feelings. Did you like me? Did you not like me? Thinking about it drove me crazy but I never did anything about it. Because I was so arrogant, I had always liked the fact that you would give me attention every time I came over, and that I could freely play around with you. But this kind of attention was new and exciting. I liked the fact that you were conscious of me -- I liked the feeling of possibly being liked by you. 

"And then as we started talking less and less, and in a way that was the reality check I needed for me to realize my own feelings. When I saw you the other night, the only thing I really wanted was to be your friend again, to be close with you again. Then Nichkhun happened and I got jealous, and then you kissed me... it made me feel a lot of things. I was happy and confused, but also scared that it would be something that you regretted later, scared that I would be reeled back into teenaged confusion."

Youngjae's eyes never left Jaebum's profile once as he talked, gawking at what Jaebum had to say. Because he was also feeling a lot of things, a lot of emotions that he couldn't put a name on. So instead of thinking about what to say, he does what he does best and says the first thing that comes to mind:

"You're an idiot."

Jaebum blinks, then looks at Youngjae, "Excuse me?"

"You're an idiot. I'm an idiot. We're both idiots, but you're worse than me!" Youngjae yells, not breaking eye contact with Jaebum, "You knew I liked you. Deep down you knew but you never said anything -- you never returned my feelings, but you never turned me down either. So I tried to put distance between us so I could try my damnedest to get over you, but I never did!"

"Wait," Jaebum says, "So you-"

"I'm not finished," Youngjae says, cutting him off, "And now, after years of pining, I come to find out that you -- Im Jaebum, who is too emotionally constipated to figure out his feelings when it counts -- like me back! And me, like an idiot, never said anything either because I'm a coward who's afraid of rejection," Youngjae groans loudly, rubbing his face with both hands in frustration while muttering, "God, this is just like one of Minwook's fucking movies."

Jaebum raises an eyebrow, not quite sure what Youngjae means about that last comment but figures that's the end of his rant for now, "Are you done?"

"No. Yes. I don't know," Youngjae responds, his head still buried in his hands.

Jaebum can't help but chuckle, both at their stupidity and at the fact that Youngjae just went on a maniacal (albeit, adorable) rant about the very topic.

"Youngjae, I'm a huge idiot, an even bigger idiot than you. I liked you back then and I'm pretty sure I still do. And if you still like me, I want to be able to get to a point where we act on those feelings with certainty. So, I'll ask this first -- do you want to grab lunch together tomorrow? As friends?"

Slowly, Youngjae lowers his hands and looks over at Jaebum. They face each other much in the same way the did the night that they kiss, and even when sober, Youngjae still has the same desire to lean over and press his lips against his. And when he sees the same desire mimicked in Jaebum's gaze, he knows that "as friends" is no good -- not after everything that has been said.

And so he's not surprised when they both lean in and press their lips together in a kiss that was less electrifying than the first, but somehow so much better.

When they lean back, Jaebum looks away, the same abashed expression from earlier etched on his face, but he's clearly trying to bite back a grin.

"How about we go as friends who sometimes go on dates, and hold hands, and kiss and shit?"

Youngjae grins, his cheeks turning a delightful shade of pink, "Sounds good to me."

More than friends. Nothing has ever sounded so perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FRIENDS!! 
> 
> I will be totally honest with you -- my motivation to finish this story was little to none. I just wasn't satisfied with it and it was hard to find the inspiration to end it. But after rereading your lovely comments and seeing all of the bookmarks and the kudos, it really gave me the boost I needed. I'm sorry it took so long (so so so so long), and as an apology I added a little epilogue chapter. Thank you so much for your support, I can't stress enough how much it means to me. I'll try to come back with an even better story!
> 
> in the mean time, if you wanna talk you can find me on tumblr on my got7 blog @x2jae 
> 
> thank you again <3


	4. Epilogue

"Clothes better be on and hands better be on places that don't need a censor bar!" Jinyoung voice echos throughout his and Jaebum's shared flat as he closes the front door. He'd just come home after spending the night at Mark and Jackson's place when he heard Youngjae's laughter coming from Jaebum's room.

"We're just watching a 15+ movie, drama king! We'll do the R-rated stuff later, when you're not around." Jaebum yells back before Youngjae shushes him.

"This is the iconic part, listen!" Youngjae exclaims. Jinyoung's tortured scream can be heard coming from the living room, something about needing to bleach his brain at the mere thought of Jaebum violating the integrity of his little brother. Youngjae, meanwhile. is too engrossed in the scene playing before them on Jaebum's laptop. Johnny is approaching Baby while her parents are at the table, and at that exact moment, Youngjae turns to look at Jaebum, quoting along with Patrick Swayze in a comical, faux deep voice, "Nobody puts baby in the corner."

Jaebum laughs and ruffles Youngjae's hair before pulling him close. Youngjae's head rests on Jaebum's chest while their legs are outstretched on his bed, the laptop resting on them. 

"How many times have you seen this movie?" Jaebum asks, resting his chin on Youngjae's head.

"Only a two or three times, but I really like it. And Patrick Swayze is easy on the eyes too... he's really cool."

Jaebum hums, leaning down and kissing Youngjae's jaw, "So you like dancers, huh?"

Youngjae tries to hold back a smile, "Maybe."

"And cool guys," Jaebum says while kissing down Youngjae's neck, "With muscles," He moves his hand up Youngjae's shorts, rubbing small circles on his thigh, "And broad shoulders?"

"Kind of." Youngjae turns his head, kissing Jaebum hard once he finds his lips, "But I really like arrogant nerds with cute smiles and a mild bad boy streak."

Jaebum smiles at him warmly. It's been about a year now since they agreed to be more than friends; a few months since they started full-out dating. So, even though he's seen Jaebum smile at him with honey dripping from his eyes hundreds if not thousands of times already, Youngjae still thinks it's the most beautiful sight he's ever seen.

It's funny, how much he put Jaebum on a pedestal in the past when he and Jaebum are actually really similar; they both get insecure and unsure of themselves, they just react to it in different ways. And while it's difficult to admit they feel that way, they go to great efforts to communicate with each other when they do -- because, after all, misunderstandings are stupid. You don't need a cheesy 80's movie to tell you that.

Jaebum runs his fingers through Youngjae's hair, the fondness in his gaze shifting into something more desperate.

"I wish we could kick Jinyoung out, because right now, I want to show you exactly how much I like you." 

As soon as the words leave Jaebum's mouth, Youngjae feels flushed, desire tingling down his spine. 'I've Had the Time of My life' plays softly in the background and Youngjae's heart pounds wildly in his chest, but this time, for all the right reasons. 

"We can run to my dorm after the movie's over? I'm pretty sure Taehyung's hanging out with Seokjin and Jimin, so my room is free... But only if you want." Youngjae suggests, trying to hide the fact that his face is heating up.

Jaebum chuckles and kisses his forehead, "Of course I do. Now, let's rewind this so we can watch the full ending, yeah? I know it's your favorite part."

Youngjae grins and kisses Jaebum's cheek before turning back to watch his favorite scene from his favorite movie with one of his favorite people. Life is good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @x2jae


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